Meet Your Baby - Even if you can't see straight

These first weeks with my gorgeous daughter have been, for lack of a better word, amazing. Sometimes that amazement is felt toward the joyous moments a baby brings. Sometimes I am amazed I am still alive.

From day one in the hospital life with a new life has been about the little breakthroughs. Peeing by myself seemed to deserve a celebration complete with cake, ice cream, and of course that little bottle they give you to clean yourself with, (not all at the same time, I hope). Once I could actually stand without any assistance from my ever-supportive husband I began to think, "Ok...maybe I can do this...maybe I'll actually be able to take care of my baby." Little did I know standing was the only easy feat I would conquer.

Breaking out of the hospital had a fugitive feel. For three days people had been waking me up every few hours to make me feed my baby. Hello! Did anyone notice - she is asleep?! When is the last time you sucked down a Slurpee at 4am just because someone shoved the straw in your mouth? The fact that my daughter kindly just kept sleeping is a blessing. If I were her I would have dug my tiny, newborn claws into my mother's boob and said, "Don't worry...I'll let you know when this is necessary!"

Nurses would coo, "Now sleep when your baby is sleeping," as though they actually cared about my rest. Five minutes into my first nap in 22 hours I would hear, "I just need to take some blood and check your vitals and push on your sore uterus. Oh...and here is your pain medication!" Is that medication for the pain in my butt? (and I'm not talking about the stitches).

Deciding to breastfeed is actually giving the green light for every staff member to fondle and view your assets. When the third nurse in a row is showing you a different, "sure-fire" hold, guaranteed to make a baby who is just not hungry start to gulp down colostrum, you have to pray for the ability to not slap their, (always cold), hand away. The fact that the janitor, food services worker, and a dad who made a turn into the wrong room came in just in time for the show becomes the norm. Anyone else want a peek at awkward nursing attempts? Come on in! As long as you are wearing your shirt and shoes we are in service!

I imagine a lifer would hardly get as much joy being freed from jail as I did in being wheeled to my car.

At last I was home, so now came the time to set up "The Routine." After arranging a bed and dresser full of sleepers for my baby I figured all was set. Mealtime would be every three hours, my daughter and I would sleep in between, and all would be well.
I can just picture every mother out there laughing their head off at that sentence.
Nobody ever told me that the term "sleeper," is actually a joke, printed on the tags of newborn pajamas by someone who thinks cruel irony is good for a giggle. A so-called sleeper is actually just what separates you from your child's diaper and umbilical cord stub.

Maybe some babies fall into a steady pattern right off, but imagine my surprise when my baby, my perfect, little girl did not. Some instances of feed then sleep did occur, here and there. Usually though the slumber lasted only an hour. (Interesting when you consider meal time often took about an hour.) Luckily for that first week after delivery my euphoria had not dimmed. Each time I woke up to change the diaper of my daughter and nurse her I would look into her sweet face and think how happy I was to be up with such an adorable, little creature.

Week two I still felt my daughter was adorable and worth every inconvenient moment, but the hormone-induced elation of being awake for 36hrs at a time was wearing thin. I would have random moments of insane cackling when I thought back to the nurses telling me not to let my baby sleep more than four hours at a time. Clearly RNs not only go through medical training but are coached in comedy as well.

While this entry is stumbling close to the line of complain-fest, let me take a moment to say I count my blessings everyday for a healthy, colic-free, good-natured baby. The days and nights could be much more difficult. At the same time, while I crave every tender moment I can have with my daughter, every once in awhile a breakdown occurs. Suddenly I am crying because the movie I want to watch is not on T.V. Or my husband is bombarded with sobs because my belly is not shrinking more than is humanly possible. Then Baby finally sleeps for a four hour stretch, at a time I can actually lie down and catch some Z's, and I wake up trying to remember why I was so upset.

 Somehow through all this hysteria my girl and I are getting to know one another. The other day the thought occurred to me that I loved this little person so instantly, so unconditionally, even though I had not really met her yet. She was just prods and kicks inside of my body. Now I can look into her beautiful eyes, hear her breathing and sweet murmurs, hold her tiny, perfectly-formed hands, and listen for each different cry that tells me exactly what she needs at that moment. All I can hope is that what she is discovering about me is as interesting and lovely to her.

The beginning bumps on the road of being a mommy are starting to level. Even through sleep deprived eyes motherhood is looking bright.