Ten Reasons (Not) to Have a Baby

Before having a baby my only examples of motherhood were watching the women around me who had already taken on the task. Some were just at the beginning, others chasing around a brood ages 12 to 3, and many were watching their children scatter to college, marriage, and child-rearing of their own.
Most of the time I had admiration for these moms. If ever I was in a group where I was the only childless, married female the thought would cross my mind, "Man...I am not ready for this." But then I would wonder if that were true. Was I really not ready? Or was I just scared? What was I waiting for?
That is when I would hear a mom, (usually holding a squirming toddler in her arms), swoon, "I just want another baby so bad. I miss having a baby."
Something about that sentiment always made me cringe a little. Do we women actually have babies to satisfy our own needs? Visions of an Opera show about children forced to do tap-dancing because their mother always wanted to be a star herself would float through my brain. Or worse...maybe the mother had forgotten that infants grow up to be two-year-olds, then four, then eleven; from my observatory experience these were not always pleasant phases. Picture the owner who gets a kitten because it is just so cute and fluffy, then abandons it outside of a theatre because lo-and-behold the thing turned into a cat!
To me, my reason for having a baby could not be to satisfy some biological programming that made me want to spew my genetics all over the planet.
(Ok, pause: to all of you out there who have ever said anything similar to what I have transcribed, please do not take offense...yet. I am going somewhere with all of this, and I promise brutality is not on the agenda for this post. I love you.) 
Such thoughts would torment me when I contemplated conceiving a child. How would I know that I truly was having a baby for all of the right reasons? Not because I wanted to throw my self-esteem into a helpless, innocent little person and hope that they could solve all my issues. Not so I could live my aspirations through their life. And certainly not to have a baby, but a person. Someone who would come into the world with its own personality and spirit, (maybe really different from mine), and turn into an adult that I would still be mothering!
When my husband and I decided we were ready all I could hope was that I would be equipped to raise this precious little being, whether or not my reasons for conception were perfect.
I am sure that is how many mothers feel.
The great news is that I now understand why moms say they want another baby. Chances are there are a few misled women who actually spawn in order to raise their own status. But for the most part, I think that the smart, fun, innovative mothers I have met were as scared as I was, and probably are every time they go through with another birth. Like me, they decided that this was worth it. And then when they held their first baby for the first time, they knew that the choice was the right one. From there they would do everything they could to allow that little angel to spread its wings and grow.
As long as us moms feel all of that, maybe we can be allowed a little selfishness now again. Every morning I have a daughter who loves me, even if my hair looks like a hen had a hay-day in it, or my mascara is caked down to my chin, or my baby-weight is still what supports her little bottom as I carry her through the house. Snuggling is great for her, but if I did not get in at least a few good hugs a day, I think I would be the one to feel a little depleted. Successfully wiggling a giggle out of my sweet girl is better than any success I have ever had outside of my home. Her little glow is a piece of heaven that everyday reminds me to be a better person. What would I do without her now?
I am proud to say that I am among the mothers who looks forward to the next baby, when my husband and I are ready. Of course the plan will be for the baby, but a little will be for me too.